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Things the Monkey Knows

 

The Monkey KnowsThe Monkey knows you’ve been cheating on your diet.

The Monkey knows the nickname that girl in 5th grade made up for you.

The Monkey knows what happened at the Nutcracker all those years ago.

The Monkey knows some of your deductions last year were a little sketchy.

The Monkey knows what you were dreaming about when you woke up at 4 AM.

The Monkey knows what you hid in the basement behind the hot water heater.

 

The Monkey knows all these things…

…but still has no idea where he put his keys.

“Bunkies” act I scene 1.

 INT. MEXICAN EXTRADITION PRISON (CELL 443) – DAY

ETHAN, A SKINNY 20-YEAR OLD MURDERER, AND EL CHAPO, A MIDDLE-AGED DRUG KINGPIN, ARE BOTH ON THEIR HANDS AND KNEES SCRATCHING AT THE CEMENT WALL OF THEIR CELL WITH PLASTIC SPORKS, TRYING TO DIG AN ESCAPE HOLE. BOTH WEAR ORANGE JUMPSUITS.

ETHAN
Okay this is kind of a lot more physically laborious than
I thought it would be.

EL CHAPO
Silencio! Los guardias…

ETHAN
For the last time- I don’t speak Mexican, Mr. Chapo.

EL CHAPO
EL Chapo! It’s EL Chapo. It means– don’t worry what it
means, hombrecito. Just keep digging. And it’s Espanol!

ETHAN
Como?

EL CHAPO
We don’t speak Mexican, we speak Span- forget it.

THEY DIG FOR ANOTHER MINUTE.

ETHAN
My spork’s getting bent. I need a new one.

EL CHAPO
We don’t have a new one. That spork cost me ten
million pesos in bribe money.

ETHAN’S EYES LIGHT UP- HE REACHES INTO HIS POCKET NAD PULLS OUT A HUGE WAD OF MEXICAN MONEY.

ETHAN
My mom gave me some rainy day money- do you think I could
get one of the guards to dig my escape tunnel for me?

EL CHAPO STARES AT THE WAD.

EL CHAPO
I– no. I mean… maybe. But this is something you
should do for yourself, Ethan.

ETHAN
Why?

EL CHAPO
Because you’ll never truly appreciate breaking out of prison
unless you do the work yourself. You must earn your
stolen freedom, my little murderer.

ETHAN
I’m not a murderer. I’m a vehicular homicide-er.

EL CHAPO PUTS HIS HAND ON THE YOUNG MAN’S SHOULDER.

EL CHAPO
Nobody cares.

THEY DIG.

ETHAN
Man, I could really go for some Jagermeister… or
some Fireball cinnamon whiskey.

EL CHAPO
Estupido. There is no candy-flavored liquor for you here! We
need to hurry! We could be extradited to los Estados Unitos tomorrow…
I mean probably not, it will probably be like a year or maybe– WAIT!

THEY BOTH FREEZE AS THEY HEAR THE GUARD COMING.

ETHAN
Oh I hope he’s bringing nachos… my mom always brings
me nachos.

EL CHAPO
Back to your bunk! Act normal!

ETHAN STARES AT HIM BLANKLY.

EL CHAPO (CONT’D)
Okay, as normal as you get. Go!

THE GUARD COMES TO THE BARS AND ETHAN AND EL CHAPO ARE RELAXING ON THEIR BUNKS. ETHAN IS PRETENDING TO BE ASLEEP, MAKING REALLY FAKE SNORING SOUNDS. THE GUARD STARES AT THEM FOR A MOMENT.

GUARD
Are you two digging an escape tunnel?

ETHAN POPS UP- WIDE AWAKE.

ETHAN
Escape tunnel? ESCAPE TUNNEL??? Don’t be RIDICULOUS!

EL CHAPO
(quietly)
A little less, por favor.

UNSURE WHAT TO DO, ETHAN GOES BACK TO PRETENDING TO SNORE.

GUARD
Okay, hand them over…

WITH A SIGH ETHAN AND EL CHAPO BOTH RELUCTANTLY SURRENDER THEIR SPORKS.

GUARD (CONT’D)
Rascals.

HE TURNS AND LEAVES. ETHAN AND EL CHAPO SIT DEJECTEDLY ON THEIR RESPECTIVE BUNKS.

ETHAN
Great. Now what are we supposed to do to kill time?

HE LOOKS OVER AND REALIZES EL CHAPO IS STARING AT HIM AND SMILING.

HE GULPS.

END OF I/1.

 

 

 

 

Spider-Man

spider man

I was walking through Target the other day and saw a Spider-Man piñata on a shelf.

I’m not sure who thinks hitting Spider-Man in the face with a stick is a smart idea, but they definitely weren’t watching the same cartoons I did growing up.

Secret Keys

Secret Keys

I had a dream last night that I discovered an entirely new row of keys on my laptop, labeled with strange characters, with which I could spell new and unknown things.

Skull Juice – a play [act 1]

skull juice

Act 1.

A man stands on a blank stage.

“MURDERER!” he yells at another man who stands across from him.

[the man who stands across is slightly taller]

In reply, the tall man takes out a small silver dog whistle and, putting it to his lips, blows a piercing shrill silent blast upon it [which the audience almost imagines they can hear].

Several members of the audience become enraged at the sound. Others commence performing strange acts including but not limited to:

covering their ears,

hiding under their seats,

stuffing their programs in their mouths,

urination.

A silence comes over the theatre, and the first man [the shorter one] chants the first stanza of an old dirty limerick to his opposite.

“There once was a young man named Enos…”

[the opposite man tries to imagine the next line of the limerick]

“Whose genitalia was disproportionately large.”

Many in attendance rise and leave the theatre.

End of Act 1.